Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Sunday Fun-day: Mariners

Shortly after we lost the baby, we took Harry to see a Mariner's game. It was a fun day, but it was honestly hard for me. I put a smile on, took pictures, basked in the glorious fall sunshine, drank lemonade and ate ice cream.

But inside my heart was still a broken mess.

It was good to get out. It was good to do something fun with friends and enjoy time with our precious boy. Part of me had a wonderful time...and it was excruciatingly painful at the same time.

Isn't that the way of suffering?

You keep waking up.
You move forward because that is truly the only way that time allows us to go.
And yet you ache. Sometimes it's tucked down deep and no one around you knows it's there. Other times it bubbles up to the surface and you can't help but let it spill out, for me it comes in the form of uncontrollable tears.

I'm so thankful to be at the point in this journey that I can look back on this day. This fun, miserable day. A day that felt almost unbearable...and know that I've made it through many painful days, and yet I'm still standing.

I am so thankful that I took pictures of this day.

I am so thankful that my Savior carried me through so many dark days.

I am so thankful that He continues to carry me through the moments when I weep over our lost baby, and the moments when I pray desperately for another child.

It's a NEW YEAR starting tomorrow and I am certain that 2015 will be full of Jesus. It will likely be full of joy, laughter, tears, and pain. That's how life goes. And while I wish the suffering didn't hurt so's been in the darkness of our loss that I have experienced the GREAT LIGHT of my Lord in a new way. For that I am more than thankful. The Lord gives and He takes away. While I don't fully understand it all, I am choosing to march into the New Year FILLED TO OVERFLOWING with HOPE. It's truly the only way that I can live; if I'm following Christ I am following the only source of True Hope and Peace.

Thank You JESUS!

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