Thursday, October 16, 2014

The Dust is Still Settling

I sat down to write a post and share from my heart how I am feeling one month after losing our baby.  Then I read through my last post and am sitting at my desk in a puddle of tears. Who am I kidding? I'm a mess at some point on most days.

September 10th was the day I lost our baby.

This month, I had the 10th off from work and decided to spend some time with my brother.

It was a foggy, quiet day. My heart was heavy with grief and yet I was excited at the same time. Excited to have some quality time with my brother and catch up about how he is enjoying SPU (my alma mater). It was a huge blessing to hear about how God is working in his life, to enjoy delicious coffee together, and pray.

I meant to post these photos for my monthly 10 on 10 set, but I only managed to shoot 7 photos that day.

So here goes. 

My first blogpost since that day. 

I wanted to express the depth of my pain, grief, and the abiding hope I have experienced in the last month, but this is all I've got today. In fact, all I seem to be able to do lately is make it through the day.

One. Day. At. A. Time.


You can ask my husband. Most days when he walks in the door after work I melt and snot/cry all over his shirt. I don't know what else to do. I am continuing on with my life. Pouring myself into teaching and wife/motherhood. I read God's Word, pray, and have never felt closer to Jesus than I do in this season. Yet I am still so sad. It's such a weird tension. I have the greatest hope in Christ, and it gives me peace that surpasses my understanding. And I am still sad, and cry more often than I'd like to admit.

I miss my baby; I'm beginning to realize that I always will.