. . .
I looked back at my first few entries and was struck by these words from February 8, 2015:
Lyrics from "Finally Free" by Rend Collective
"Your mercy rains from heaven
like confetti at a wedding
and I am celebrating in the downpour.
Your heart is wild with color
like a never-ending summer.
You burn away the winter
of my cold and weary heart.
My soul cries out
My heart is lost
in your beauty.
All hope is found
in Your Mercy.
You paid the price.
Now I am...FINALLY FREE!"
This morning I am overwhelmed by Your grace and mercy God. I am overwhelmed by Your beauty and the way You have used every circumstance in my life to change me and make me more like you.
Every painful trial has actually been a blessing.
Each pregnancy has truly been a gift. With Harry you taught me to let go and trust. With baby number two you taught me that You are enough - that You truly never leave or forsake me...and you've given me a desire for heaven that I've never had before!
And today I rest in Your peace as our third baby is growing in my belly. I am choosing to trust you in the unknown. I am believing and hoping for a miracle. I am also choosing to believe that you are Good, regardless of the outcome.
Lord, You give. You take away.
Blessed by the name of the Lord.
. . .
Over a year later, I can honestly say that God is truly Good and that His beauty and mercy have carried me through the ups and downs of our journey to bring another baby into our family.
A few weeks after writing this journal entry, I lost our third baby. It was devastating. But God has faithfully walked alongside me. He slowly healed my broken heart as I trained for the half marathon I ran last June...literally speaking to my heart through songs like the one I shared above as I ran, and ran, and cried, and ran some more.
And here I am, just a couple of weeks away from meeting Ellis. Our fourth baby...but the second one we will be blessed to raise. I still don't know for sure that he'll be healthy, although I'm praying and trusting that he will. I don't have a guarantee that anything in this life will go according to my plan. Most likely, it won't. But I serve a God who is faithful and altogether Good. He has allowed me to experience suffering that certainly changed me...but I am so thankful for it. Through the loss of two babies I came to see my need for Christ more than ever before. And I cherish the gift of motherhood in a different way than I would have if it had all gone according to my plan.
There are still days when I wonder about those babies. When I shed tears and long to hold them in my arms. When I ask God to hasten the day when I will get to meet them in heaven. And yet, I know that without their lives and deaths, we probably wouldn't be sitting here anticipating the arrival of Ellis, a little boy that I am sure will stretch our hearts to the point where they nearly burst. A baby boy I have loved fiercely through this pregnancy and cannot wait to meet later this month. Ellis doesn't replace the others. They were gifts in their own ways. And now I sit here, crying, smiling, thanking God for the season He has brought us into!
It's funny how much has happened since I wrote that journal entry last February. And yet, I can say that I feel the same way:
Lord, today I rest in Your peace as Ellis is growing in my belly. I am choosing to trust you in the unknown. I am believing and hoping for a miracle. I am also choosing to believe that you are Good, regardless of the outcome.
You have been faithful time and time again in my life. Thank you in advance for all that this month will hold for our family Lord. Bring Ellis safely into our arms. Prepare our hearts to love him and care for him as we adjust to being a family of four, instead of three.
Thank You for the blessings that have come out of our suffering! The freedom I have found in walking through life with You Lord is such a great honor and a gift that I am eternally grateful for!