Friday, March 13, 2015

Finding My Footing

I've been wanting to write for a while now. But I just haven't known where to start. I'm the land of the living, and yet my heart is at times stuck in the grief of our loss.

In February, we lost another baby. Very similar to my last pregnancy. Somehow I thought that having been through it once before would make experiencing miscarriage less painful, but it didn't. I knew what to expect, but my heart still broke under the weight of it. 

Losing babies is heart wrenching.

One of the biggest things I've struggled with lately is crying out to God, "I don't want this to be my story!" I really don't want this to be my story. More than words can express...I want my babies. I would've been due in a couple of weeks with the baby we lost in September (and our most recent loss would have been born next September). It is hard to think about the very different place our lives would have been in if all had gone well. 

And yet, even in my darkest hour, I have a great Hope. 

His name is Jesus.

He is moving and working in my life and in the lives around me.

He is helping me to let go of the "control" that I never really had over my plans. And reminding me that even though this hurts, He loves me deeply. He bottles up all of my tears. He is SO NEAR to the broken-hearted. And though this body may fail me and this life be full of trials, the eternal promise of finally getting to see my Savior face-to-face and live in the glory of His presence, forever...well it is surely enough. He is MORE than enough!

I still long to have another baby, and at the same time I have decided to leave that dream alone for a while.

So now I am trying to just be. Trying to focus on every single undeserved blessing the Lord has given us. I am trying to give thanks rather than complain. I am getting down on the floor and playing trains with Harry. Hugging and kissing my husband more. Delighting in my family as it is. And trusting that God has a plan for our future.

I'm putting my "7 fast" on hold for a while, it's enough at this point to work and do family stuff. I just need some space to grieve and regroup. 

Oh and I'm running. 

As in, training for a half-marathon! (Insert wide-eyed-emoji) I'm not a runner. But I think I'm becoming one. Like tomorrow is a "rest day" in my training plan and I'm actually wishing it were a run day. I think I may have been abducted by aliens because the fact that I am longing for my next run day is crazy talk. Seriously CRAZY! 

As crazy as it sounds, I think running with such a big goal in mind is just what I need right now. 

So that's that. My first post, post-miscarriage...again. Thanks for reading and loving me through this! 

1 comment:

  1. Sweet Krysta, I am so sorry for your loss! I can only imagine how hard that must be. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and sending love from far away. I also just got Shauna Niequist's new devotional, Savor, and the last few days have made me think of you. I love keeping "up to date" through your blog and instagram; thank you for continuing to be such a source of inspiration and love!!!

    xoxo - Lauren