And still, though I've been a mom for over two years, it can still surprise me just how much motherhood has changed me at my core.
This week I have had a similar experience, that I honestly don't even know how to put into words.
I lost our second baby.
And while many women have unfortunately gone through miscarriage, it has taken my breath away and unleashed the deepest pain I have ever known. I feel as though my heart has been literally torn out of my chest and trampled on.
It just sucks.
I wish I had eloquent words to explain it, but I don't. I debated on whether I should share this here on my blog, but decided to go for it because a) anyone reading this is likely someone I know in real life, and if you care enough to check my sporadic (at best) blog, then maybe you'd care enough to know and b) it's my blog...and I just need to write it down. I need to get my thoughts out into words because life just keeps moving forward and I don't want to forget how much this baby means to me.
Oh how I wish this were a different announcement. In fact I was planning on writing my first post about our new addition this weekend. We had a really cute photo to share, and I would have been 12 weeks along today. It all felt so light and hopeful...and now we are left in the dust with a thousand broken dreams.
I told Josh today, in one of the many tearful hug-sessions we have been having lately, that I just feel like there's a hole in our family that won't ever go away.
Truthfully I don't want this aching to go away because even though we never held this baby, and even though he or she only made it a little past conception (my body took a while to show signs of miscarriage) it was our baby. A little one who we couldn't wait for Harry to meet. Our child who would one day throw tantrums, and hold our hands to cross the street.
I know this is very raw, and I'm sorry if it is too much for you to read. Before experiencing this kind of loss first hand, I tried to sympathize with friends who were going through it, but I really had no idea what to say or do. There really isn't anything you can say to make the pain go away. It's something I have to walk through myself, but I know I am not alone. Words cannot express how much I appreciate all of the prayers that have been uttered on our behalf. And many friends and family members have reached out to let us know they care with kind words, food, flowers, etc.
I have spent the past four days resting, a LOT. It has been quiet and tearful, and just what I needed to get through these first few days.
My heart aches with so much more than this little post can say, but I think I will end with a section of Scripture that has been particularly comforting this week. It's been one of my favorite passages for a long time, but has come to be especially meaningful this week:
I S A I A H 6 1 : 1 - 3
The Spirit of the Sovereign is upon me,
for the has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
that the time of the ’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks