Feeling Reflective

I opened up a journal I've been writing in for over a year now, and just realized that I only have a few pages left. It seems fitting that this journal is coming to a close as I am in the midst of making a huge transition in my life.

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I looked back at my first few entries and was struck by these words from February 8, 2015:

Lyrics from "Finally Free" by Rend Collective

"Your mercy rains from heaven 
like confetti at a wedding
and I am celebrating in the downpour.
Your heart is wild with color
like a never-ending summer.
You burn away the winter
of my cold and weary heart.

My soul cries out
Holy
Holy.
My heart is lost
in your beauty.
All hope is found
in Your Mercy.
You paid the price.
Now I am...FINALLY FREE!"

This morning I am overwhelmed by Your grace and mercy God. I am overwhelmed by Your beauty and the way You have used every circumstance in my life to change me and make me more like you. 

Every painful trial has actually been a blessing.

Each pregnancy has truly been a gift. With Harry you taught me to let go and trust. With baby number two you taught me that You are enough - that You truly never leave or forsake me...and you've given me a desire for heaven that I've never had before!

And today I rest in Your peace as our third baby is growing in my belly. I am choosing to trust you in the unknown. I am believing and hoping for a miracle. I am also choosing to believe that you are Good, regardless of the outcome.

Lord, You give. You take away.

Blessed by the name of the Lord.

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Over a year later, I can honestly say that God is truly Good and that His beauty and mercy have carried me through the ups and downs of our journey to bring another baby into our family.

A few weeks after writing this journal entry, I lost our third baby. It was devastating. But God has faithfully walked alongside me. He slowly healed my broken heart as I trained for the half marathon I ran last June...literally speaking to my heart through songs like the one I shared above as I ran, and ran, and cried, and ran some more.

And here I am, just a couple of weeks away from meeting Ellis. Our fourth baby...but the second one we will be blessed to raise. I still don't know for sure that he'll be healthy, although I'm praying and trusting that he will. I don't have a guarantee that anything in this life will go according to my plan. Most likely, it won't. But I serve a God who is faithful and altogether Good. He has allowed me to experience suffering that certainly changed me...but I am so thankful for it. Through the loss of two babies I came to see my need for Christ more than ever before. And I cherish the gift of motherhood in a different way than I would have if it had all gone according to my plan.

There are still days when I wonder about those babies. When I shed tears and long to hold them in my arms. When I ask God to hasten the day when I will get to meet them in heaven. And yet, I know that without their lives and deaths, we probably wouldn't be sitting here anticipating the arrival of Ellis, a little boy that I am sure will stretch our hearts to the point where they nearly burst. A baby boy I have loved fiercely through this pregnancy and cannot wait to meet later this month. Ellis doesn't replace the others. They were gifts in their own ways. And now I sit here, crying, smiling, thanking God for the season He has brought us into!

It's funny how much has happened since I wrote that journal entry last February. And yet, I can say that I feel the same way:

Lord, today I rest in Your peace as Ellis is growing in my belly. I am choosing to trust you in the unknown. I am believing and hoping for a miracle. I am also choosing to believe that you are Good, regardless of the outcome.

You have been faithful time and time again in my life. Thank you in advance for all that this month will hold for our family Lord. Bring Ellis safely into our arms. Prepare our hearts to love him and care for him as we adjust to being a family of four, instead of three.

Thank You for the blessings that have come out of our suffering! The freedom I have found in walking through life with You Lord is such a great honor and a gift that I am eternally grateful for!

c o m e + l i s t e n + L I V E

I love words!

I'm a verbal processor, so I love to share them with friends and family.

I love to read books and blogs. I appreciate words written in cards and spoken by friends and loved ones.

As 2015 was coming to a close, I felt an urging to get back into God's Word in 2016. Not that I haven't been reading it throughout the past year...I have. But I often read it as a box to check off my to-do list.  Or as an aside - a few verses that add onto the words of another.

What I mean is that I'll get into a Bible Study and hang on to every word of the author. I'll read a really inspiring book that challenges me to look at my faith in a completely new way. This is great and all...but I have been asking God to increase my desire for His Word. I've been filling up so much on the words of others, that His Word has lost its appeal.

I am so thankful that He heard my prayers and has answered.

God's response came in the form of a study called "Open Your Bible". Yes, it's another Bible study, but this one is very different from other studies I've done. It was written by the founders of She Reads Truth (which I've talked about multiple times here on the blog...back when I was blogging more regularly). And while it is another Bible study, the whole premise is that:

God's Word is for me (and you)

...and it is for now. 

It is for today, 

...and every day of my life (and yours).

It's simple, and at the same time so profound.

Since turning the corner into 2016, I can honestly say that I've opened my Bible more. Not because I need to read God's Word for Him to love me more. Instead, I'm re-discovering that Scripture is where I find life, and rest, and peace. It's truly the place where I can meet God daily, and see Him more clearly. His Word has been inspiring me more than what others' words ever could (no matter how true or how beautifully they are articulated). I am retraining my mind to go to Him first. To approach His Word with a new attitude and anticipation of the life that will come from that time well-spent.

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Here's a passage that struck me from my last week's reading (especially the part bolded below from verse 3).

I S A I A H  5 5 : 1 - 3

Come, all you who are thirsty, 

come to the waters; 

and you who have no money, 

come, buy and eat! 

Come, buy wine and milk 

without money and without cost! 

Why spend money on what is not bread, 

and your labor on what does not satisfy? 

Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, 

and you will delight in the richest of fare. 

Give ear and come to me;

listen, that you may live.

I will make an everlasting covenant with you,

my faithful love promised to David.

(emphasis added)

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The Lord wants us to come to him, and to listen; this, He promises will bring us LIFE!

This is what my heart has been longing for. I look to so many others (who are talented, truth-telling, inspired, creative people) and all the while I've been feeling like something was missing. For me, I discovered that it was because I wasn't going straight to the source. I think the the words and creativity of others will bring my life, but in reality - my life comes from the Word of God.

So that's what I'm working on this year. I don't have a "New Year's Resolution" or a "word" for the year. simple act of coming and listening and receiving the life that Jesus alone can give me.

It's so freeing! So inspiring! To know that the Creator wants me to come...He wants to share His words, with me...today and every day!

That Day I Ran a ½ Marathon! BAM!!!

I meant to write this last weekend. Was it really only a week ago that I ran my first ever ½ marathon?! Yes you read that correctly...I RAN a ½ MARATHON! 

It was epic!

Here are pictures to prove it:

Before the race I met up with two of my biggest supporters. My former principal and my current assistant principal. Jon and Aliscia are seriously the BEST! Jon is a rockstar runner. No pun intended (it was the Rock 'n' Roll ½). He runs a LOT and SUPER FAST, but he's been cheering me on throughout my training, no matter how slow I am. And Aliscia has been incredible. Encouraging me along the way with her own training. She ran the Tinker Bell ½ in Disneyland Mother's Day weekend and then decided to go for the Rock 'n' Roll in June. I am SO glad we got a quick pic before we hit the starting line!

Hilary, Karla and I living it up before the race started. Both girls have been the BIGGEST blessing to me. Both have had miscarriages and loved me as I've slowly worked through my healing. I ran with both during my training...especially on the long runs...and can honestly say that I wouldn't have made it without them.

Funny story. A race worker asked me to hold our "corral sign" which was slightly awkward (especially when random people came to me with their questions because I looked "official"). It took us about 45 minutes to actually make it to the start, but because I had the sign we were literally at the front of our corral line and got to cheer and count down from the very front of our group. It was EPIC. Maybe you had to be there...but Hilary, Karla, a random guy from Florida, and I can attest to the fact that it was a fun way to start. Even if the wait was long.

My whole family came to cheer me on. Seriously BLESSED! Especially by that sweet/hilarious boy!

There's the finish line :)

Karla and I loved the cheering squad just before the finish line. I shaved my armpits that morning, just to make sure I was fresh for the fist-pump photos! I guess I wasn't really making fists in the picture, but man did it feel good to be within a stone's throw of that finish line.

Just a few more yards and we were DONE! BAM. Nailed it! :)

Post race. Completely drenched in sweat, but still smiling. I think we may have smiled our way through all 13.1 miles. It was a glorious day: sunny, breezy, and even though there were some hills, they were gradual. Plus the route was filled with GORGEOUS views!

The two men in my life cheering me on! Josh gave me a huge hug...and Harry kept saying "My Mommy WON!" :) 

I happened to be standing right next to two college friends in the recovery area. They ran it too and we couldn't resist taking a picture together. Of course Harry wanted in on the action.

Dad, Mom, Griffin, Josh, Patti, Ashley, Gigi, Harry and I. This was right before we gorged ourselves on the most delicious breakfast ever. French toast, eggs, and sausage. I was hungry after running for almost three hours! ;)

Not sure why my app said I ran 3.79 miles, but whatever. Also there was a brief bathroom break (or two) during which I forgot to stop my watch. I think we actually finished in 3:45. But who's counting.

We started and finished strong!!!

You better believe I took a nap that afternoon! I think I ended up with just over 35,000 steps total that day. My knees and ankles were so sore for about 24-hours, but after that I felt pretty good.

And here is the current resting place of my medal. Right above my computer so I can see it whenever I'm working here in my craft room. I'm not sure where its final resting place will be, but you better believe I'll be running another race in the future. Not sure exactly when (maybe the Fall?!?!)

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Thanks to everyone who has rooted for me along the way. It has been such an incredible journey, both physically and figuratively. God put it on my heart to run, He gave me His strength to do it, and the race was honestly the icing on the cake. It felt like a glorious gift from my Loving Father. He knew I needed to do this training. He knew I desperately needed to rely on Him throughout the process, to surrender to Him in my weakness, and to accept the strengthening/healing of my body, my faith, and my heart that only He could have given me.

He is certainly a GOOD Dad who loves His kids. I can call myself blessed because of Him...not because of anything I have done!

So there you have it. 

My ½ marathon is done, but it is definitely one of the top 5 moments of my life! 

Even with the pictures and my attempt to describe the experience in words, I can't really do it justice. 

You'll just have to take my word for it, and maybe sign up for a race with me...so you can experience it for yourself! :)

Life Lately

It's been a while since I posted. Life has been full, beautiful, hard...all at the same time. It's funny how much joy we can experience in the midst of sorrow. There are many days that involve laughter, and so much thankfulness that my heart literally feels like it will burst. And there are many days that involve tears and prayers that are too raw to put into words.

But even in the pain. Even in the darkest moments, His sweet mercy is always here. Reminding me that suffering allows for growth that I may not otherwise experience. No matter how sad my heart may feel in a given moment, there is always a new morning on the horizon. New mercies awaiting as sure as the dawn. 

So here are a smattering of photos I've taken in the past month or so (most from this weekend). Moments that I can't help but cherish and thank my sweet Savior for blessing me with. This life I am living is a gift. And I am especially aware at this time of year with Easter starting in just a few short hours. My Savior lives. The empty tomb means that I don't have to live in despair. Jesus is my Hope and He is alive. So I can live. Even when I don't understand the "why", I know that my Redeemer is trustworthy and good, and that I can find my joy and purpose in Him. 

He is Risen. He is Risen INDEED!

And last but not least - to everyone who has loved me/us through the losses we have experienced this school year I am so thankful! I really don't have words to express how much every card, every text, every hug, every encouragement here on my blog and on Instagram, every prayer has meant. So thank you friends and family! I am thankful to be able to share my heart here and know that those who read it care so much for me and for my family. For Josh and Harry and both of our babies who live in heaven. 

Man, those babies must be having the most incredible Easter weekend celebrating Jesus' work on the cross in His very presence. We will be there one day with them. Such a glorious hope! 

The Cost

Have you listened to Rend Collective?

If you answered no, please go look them up and listen to one of their songs. One of my favorites lately (from their Campfire album) is called the cost.

It wrecks me. But in such a good way.

I honestly cannot listen without weeping. But the tears are good. They bring healing and remind me that Jesus is truly worth it all. He is worth the pain and suffering. He is worth the trial and tears. He is worth leaving all of my desires behind and seeking only Him!

Seriously, go listen. Click the picture below to go to their site.

The Cost by Rend Collective

I'm saying yes to You and no to my desires
I'll leave myself behind and follow you

I'll walk the narrow road 'cause it leads me to you
I'll fall but grace will pick me up again

I've counted up the cost
Oh I've counted up the cost
Yes I've counted up the cost, and You are worth it

I do not need safety
As much as I need You
You're dangerous but Lord You're beautiful

I'll chase you through the pain
I'll carry my cross 'cause real love is not afraid to bleed

Jesus take my all
Take my everything
I've counted up the cost, and You're worth EVERYTHING!

Eager Waiting

I can't stop reading this verse. 

Jesus, what should "eager waiting" look like in my life?

MEDIA :: Day 8/9

I'm pretty sure Scandal (TV Show that I'm clearly addicted to) started back up last night.

Instead, I read a book in bed before I fell asleep.

And then I dreamt about Instagram. Literally my dream was scrolling through the photo stream. For what felt like most of the night.

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Josh was asking me what I really meant by media last night. 

Here's what the dictionary says:

media: (usually used with a plural verb) the means of communication, as radio television, newspapers, and magazines, that reach or influence people widely.

I think for the purposes of my fast...media to me means "technology that I am spending way too much time on". The three biggest culprits were Netflix, TV, and Instagram. Other contenders: Words with Friends, email (incessantly checking it, even when nothing new or interesting was in my inbox), Brit & Co (like pinterest, but the content is contributed by writers...kind of like a magazine-app)...to name a few.

So cutting all of these out, and taking all of my notifications off of my phone has freed me up some of that wasted time. I still mindlessly reach for my phone to distract or entertain myself. But there's not much to do there this month.

So instead, I've been spending more time reading books with Harry. And I've clearly been reading more for myself at night before bed.

Thank you "Media Fast" for helping me to quiet my mental space down.

In the quiet I am learning new things about myself and about God, which was the reason why I wanted to do this in the first place.

But it's not really the lack of media I should thank. It's truly Jesus, awakening in my a new way of living. A less-connected to technology and hopefully (in time) more connected to people and things that are life-giving. Not just to me, but to the people around me...

...so many thoughts but for now I'll leave it at that.

MEDIA :: Day 6 :: I NEED Jesus More Than I Know

Truth slap.

When the truth opens your eyes. When you realize something that, once realized, is so important that you literally feel like you've just been slapped across the face.

It often comes when you're least expecting it. 

It is impossible to ignore.

Today I experienced a truth slap. It brought me to tears and all I could say was "Jesus, I desperately need your grace."

I am thankful for a friend who was brave enough, and loving enough, to call me out and say "hey, you've hurt me and I want more from our friendship". 

...and I'm oh so thankful for Jesus who makes forgiveness and repentance possible. 

In His strength I can try again. 

In light of His great mercy I can say I'm sorry, and move forward in a different way. 

I can tend to a broken relationship that is founded on the name of Jesus Christ. Because He died for this. He died to make me whole, and promised not to let me go until His work in my heart and life was complete.

This truth slap would have hit regardless of whether I'm consuming media or not. But rather than drown my self-disappointment in a TV show tonight, I shed some tears, prayed to my gracious Savior, and am currently sitting in the quiet just before bed reflecting here.

Truth slaps hurt. But once you get over the sting, there is work to be done. A lesson that clearly needs to penetrate my heart. And most importantly there is grace, upon grace, upon grace...upon grace.

Thank you Jesus for true friends. For the Truth which really does SET US FREE. For New Years, and new beginnings, and for a quiet evening to let today sink in and begin to change my heart.

I want to be more like you Jesus. Even (and especially) when it hurts my pride. Thank you for forgiving me Lord, especially when I don't deserve it (because I never do), and for sticking with me for the long haul as you continue to change my heart and make my life look more like yours.

...clearly, we've got a long way to go!

And just because...here's my funny (almost) three year old: Harry McBubble-Beard. If I ever doubted God's love for me, I certainly can't doubt it when I look at this sweet blessing. He wears me out, but he brings me joy beyond measure.

MEDIA :: Day 1

Does "iTunes Radio" count?

It probably does. If so, I've failed twice already, on Day 1. And it's only 7:40am.

My first thought this morning was "UGH! All I want to do is see everyone's NYE pics on Instagram! Grrrrr....."

Upon getting out of bed, I checked my email on my phone, twice.

To say this is going to be a challenge is an UNDERSTATEMENT!

I'm currently sitting at my computer blogging because at least it's something right?! And I'm listening to iTunes Radio, but it's awesome Christian worship music. I think I'm going to allow it. At least for today! ;)

Other thoughts I've had this morning:

• I want to watch a movie while I take down our Christmas decorations.
• I would love to vox (an app that allows you to chat like on a walkie-talkie) with my friends to say hello and ramble about random things while I do my dishes.
• How am I going to document my life if not on Instagram?!?!
• Email once a day? Ugh. I better change my notifications so that I don't get any...and I better move my email app into my "utilities" folder with all the other apps I couldn't bear to delete.

I have a problem.

Clearly. 

Just for accountability's sake, here are screen shots of my iPad and iPhone. The basics are on screen one, the rest is on screen two. And while this may look like a lot of apps. I must have deleted at least 30 apps on each device.

This is what progress looks like, today at least.

Baby. Steps.

Have I learned anything yet from this experience, you might ask. No. Not yet. Aside from the fact that I have issues with being quiet?! I am disturbed by how much I crave noise. I want to fill the void with something, anything: pictures, entertainment, movies...you name it.

So off I go. Music will likely accompany me throughout this entire day. But as for the rest? It's tucked away, just out of reach. 

And just in case you're really worried about missing me. Have no fear. I will be blogging a heck of a lot more than I have in the past couple of years. I need some outlet. And blogging is on the list (thank you Jesus for blogging). I'll post my reflections, and I'll likely post pictures of Harry...because I have a compulsive need to share pictures of my child on the internet. 

As much as I joke about how hard this will be (and I know it will be), there is a part of me that is thrilled with this change. 

It feels like an adventure.

Saying that out loud makes me think I may need to get out more ;) 

Happy New Year! 

I May be Crazy, but Here Goes...

We started going to a new church in September. The idea was planted before we lost the baby, but when we actually took the plunge our baby was gone, making it a sweet and painful time to uproot and start fresh in a new community.

God clearly knew what He was doing. Doesn't He always?! You'd think after following Jesus for over a decade I would have learned by now that He, the Creator and Maker of the universe (not to mention my heart), would know what He was doing. 

Anyway, it was scary and a tad bit overwhelming. I have a hard time going in halfway. When it comes to community I tend to open up and bear my soul (which often involves tears), I wish I could hold back, but for some reason this is how God has created my messy heart. Literally on my sleeve. I've been told by others who have been witness to my tears and vulnerability in the context of community, that it's refreshing and frees them up to be vulnerable as well. I have also spent many years believing that I am too much. Too emotional. Too overwhelming for other people to handle. The darn devil literally wants to turn what God clearly intended for good into something I feel ashamed of.

Thankfully the Holy Spirit's voice is stronger. It may be softer...but it is certainly more powerful than the lies that so easily entangle.

I'm not in any way "there" yet, but I am learning to listen to the voice of the Lord, and nothing else. At least that's what my desire is. I am praying that 2015 changes my heart to be more in tune with my Maker.

Back to our new church, and the new study I began in the Fall.

As a small group we read the book "Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker, and it literally: ROCKED. My. World.

I'm still reeling from it. I am not kidding. This book stirred up in me a desire for a different kind of life. A different kind of faith. One that looks nothing like the faith life I have known up until this point. But with this heart-shift comes a lot of questions. Practically speaking, how does this play out in my day-to-day life? If I knew the answer, I would be happy to share it here...but I am still trying to wrestle with it all.

I wasn't ready to set Jen's ideas on the shelf, so I decided to read another one of her books. She is one of the most honest, witty, encouraging, and challenging authors I have ever read.

Enter "7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess". Also by Jen Hatmaker. Seriously, if you do one thing this week, go buy this book. Or check it out from the library. I've checked it out at least twice three times from the public library digital collection (sorry Jen, I'm cheap) ;) but seriously I keep reading and re-reading it.

Thank you Karla for recommending this book to me (oh, a year or two ago). I finally gathered enough courage to actually read it...and I am SO THANKFUL that I did!

So...after reading through Jen's journey, I've decided that it's time to embark on my own journey. I am excited and terrified at the same time. But I am pretty much certain that if I take a step GIANT leap of faith, Jesus is going to change my heart and life, to the degree that at the end of 2015 I will not be the same woman that I am today.

Here is my plan.

I am going to be fasting throughout the next year.

One month at a time.

One area of my life at a time.

I will fail many times I am sure. And I will also be covered in grace.

And that's pretty much all I know at this point.

I have a plan for the first month, and I have a "map" for the year as a whole, but beyond that I am going to figure it out one step at a time.

I may be crazy, literally, but I need to do something drastic to reset my habits, and jumpstart my heart. I want change desperately, and I know myself all too well (creature of habit that I am); unless I do something completely new and different I can already picture myself a year from now - pretty much the same person I am looking at in the mirror today.

So, here goes. 

Jesus, bring on 2015. I may not be ready, but I know You are!!!

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2 0 1 5    Y E A R    M A P

Month One:  M E D I A

Month Two:  P O S S E S S I O N S

Month Three:  F O O D

Month Four:  W A S T E

Month Five:  C L O T H E S

Month Six:  S P E N D I N G

Month Seven:  S T R E S S

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M O N T H    O N E   -   M E D I A

Lord help me. I think this may be the hardest for me, which is why it is most certainly up first in the line-up. For the next 30 days, I will be abstaining from media.

No TV (which includes TV watched online or on Netflix). No radio (unless it's classical music). No Instagram. No blog-reading. No phone games or random entertaining apps. Limited texting. Email only once per day. 

I am terrified. 

But I am also craving the quiet that will inevitably come along with this fast. Quiet to pray. To read God's Word. To read other books. To look into the eyes of the people I am with and live in the moment. To look around and behold the glory of God in the world around me.

Goodbye Media. 

I am sure I will miss you. 

But my hope is that I will gain so much more than I am missing.

[ more blogging to follow as I learn and grow over the next month ]

Sunday Fun-day: Mariners

Shortly after we lost the baby, we took Harry to see a Mariner's game. It was a fun day, but it was honestly hard for me. I put a smile on, took pictures, basked in the glorious fall sunshine, drank lemonade and ate ice cream.

But inside my heart was still a broken mess.

It was good to get out. It was good to do something fun with friends and enjoy time with our precious boy. Part of me had a wonderful time...and it was excruciatingly painful at the same time.

Isn't that the way of suffering?

You keep waking up.

You move forward because that is truly the only way that time allows us to go.

And yet you ache. Sometimes it's tucked down deep and no one around you knows it's there. Other times it bubbles up to the surface and you can't help but let it spill out, for me it comes in the form of uncontrollable tears.

I'm so thankful to be at the point in this journey that I can look back on this day. This fun, miserable day. A day that felt almost unbearable...and know that I've made it through many painful days, and yet I'm still standing.

I am so thankful that I took pictures of this day.

I am so thankful that my Savior carried me through so many dark days.

I am so thankful that He continues to carry me through the moments when I weep over our lost baby, and the moments when I pray desperately for another child.

It's a NEW YEAR starting tomorrow and I am certain that 2015 will be full of Jesus. It will likely be full of joy, laughter, tears, and pain. That's how life goes. And while I wish the suffering didn't hurt so much...it's been in the darkness of our loss that I have experienced the GREAT LIGHT of my Lord in a new way. For that I am more than thankful. The Lord gives and He takes away. While I don't fully understand it all, I am choosing to march into the New Year FILLED TO OVERFLOWING with HOPE. It's truly the only way that I can live; if I'm following Christ I am following the only source of True Hope and Peace.

Thank You JESUS!

#PrayforSPU

I was blessed with an INCREDIBLE college experience. Full of deep friendships, spiritual growth, laughter, tears, and so much more than words could ever summarize.

In June, when there was a shooting at SPU, my friends got together to eat breakfast/brunch, and celebrate the life-changing place that SPU is...and the work that God is still doing there even in the midst of such sorrow.

I meant to post these photos in June, but somehow they got stopped up in my "drafts". This day was too sweet to forget, so here it is. Over six-months later.

But I think it is safe to say that SPU could still use our prayers. Especially the individuals and friends who had their lives altered that fateful day when gunshots were fired, and a life was taken far too soon.

Laurie, Ransom, Sara, Katie, Heidi. So much beauty in this photo!

It was a gorgeous day, but very sobering!

Flowers, cards, tears, prayers, candles...community!

Life continues to move forward even in the midst of deep pain. We literally felt the Holy Spirit blowing through the breeze, moving the tree branches and leaves, and moving in our hearts!

Art and inspiration. Hope displayed for the world to see!

Here we are again. Such precious Christ-centered friendships! We missed you Allie and Lisa :(

#prayforSPU