Sunday Fun-day: Mariners

Shortly after we lost the baby, we took Harry to see a Mariner's game. It was a fun day, but it was honestly hard for me. I put a smile on, took pictures, basked in the glorious fall sunshine, drank lemonade and ate ice cream.

But inside my heart was still a broken mess.

It was good to get out. It was good to do something fun with friends and enjoy time with our precious boy. Part of me had a wonderful time...and it was excruciatingly painful at the same time.

Isn't that the way of suffering?

You keep waking up.

You move forward because that is truly the only way that time allows us to go.

And yet you ache. Sometimes it's tucked down deep and no one around you knows it's there. Other times it bubbles up to the surface and you can't help but let it spill out, for me it comes in the form of uncontrollable tears.

I'm so thankful to be at the point in this journey that I can look back on this day. This fun, miserable day. A day that felt almost unbearable...and know that I've made it through many painful days, and yet I'm still standing.

I am so thankful that I took pictures of this day.

I am so thankful that my Savior carried me through so many dark days.

I am so thankful that He continues to carry me through the moments when I weep over our lost baby, and the moments when I pray desperately for another child.

It's a NEW YEAR starting tomorrow and I am certain that 2015 will be full of Jesus. It will likely be full of joy, laughter, tears, and pain. That's how life goes. And while I wish the suffering didn't hurt so much...it's been in the darkness of our loss that I have experienced the GREAT LIGHT of my Lord in a new way. For that I am more than thankful. The Lord gives and He takes away. While I don't fully understand it all, I am choosing to march into the New Year FILLED TO OVERFLOWING with HOPE. It's truly the only way that I can live; if I'm following Christ I am following the only source of True Hope and Peace.

Thank You JESUS!

#PrayforSPU

I was blessed with an INCREDIBLE college experience. Full of deep friendships, spiritual growth, laughter, tears, and so much more than words could ever summarize.

In June, when there was a shooting at SPU, my friends got together to eat breakfast/brunch, and celebrate the life-changing place that SPU is...and the work that God is still doing there even in the midst of such sorrow.

I meant to post these photos in June, but somehow they got stopped up in my "drafts". This day was too sweet to forget, so here it is. Over six-months later.

But I think it is safe to say that SPU could still use our prayers. Especially the individuals and friends who had their lives altered that fateful day when gunshots were fired, and a life was taken far too soon.

Laurie, Ransom, Sara, Katie, Heidi. So much beauty in this photo!

It was a gorgeous day, but very sobering!

Flowers, cards, tears, prayers, candles...community!

Life continues to move forward even in the midst of deep pain. We literally felt the Holy Spirit blowing through the breeze, moving the tree branches and leaves, and moving in our hearts!

Art and inspiration. Hope displayed for the world to see!

Here we are again. Such precious Christ-centered friendships! We missed you Allie and Lisa :(

#prayforSPU

So Unworthy, SO THANKFUL!

This morning I am in awe. Jesus came in complete humility to be with us. He came as a baby to live and die and rise again so that we might have life and have it to the fullest. The Creator of the universe loves us that much.

It honestly blows my mind when I consider it.

That is what Christmas is all about. And the magic of it all - the lights, carols, treats, family traditions, gifts - is just a glimpse of The TRUE Gift of Christmas, Jesus Christ!

I woke up this morning, and it's truly a Christmas miracle - Harry is still asleep. So I'm sitting by the fire, with the tree and candles lit, and gifts waiting for our sweet boy to discover. We were thoroughly spoiled yesterday by Josh's family...and I am sure that we will be equally spoiled later today when we head to my parent's house. Our families do Christmas BIG, and I have struggled this Christmas season feeling the weight of how unworthy I am of such generosity. I struggle to do things "right". My house is a mess most all of the time. My Christmas cards are still sitting on my desk waiting to be sent out. At work I feel like there's always more I could be doing to be the teacher I long to be. I struggle because to me, doing things right looks like absolute perfection...and I constantly fall short.

As I walked down the stairs this morning I had a quiet thought; I know it wasn't from me, because these are not the kinds of things I think up on my own.

The Holy Spirit whispered in the quiet of my heart that my imperfection, my failing, my lack of feeling "worthy", and my longing for perfection is exactly why Jesus came.

Christmas is extravagant because the grace of Jesus is nothing short of extravagant. I don't deserve a picturesque Christmas morning in my home with my sweet family. I don't deserve the generosity of my family. I don't deserve grace...

...even if my house were perfectly clean all of the time.

...even if I was the perfect friend, the perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher (fill in the blank)

I would still need Jesus. Because even my best attempt at perfection would not be enough to save me.

I have a long way to go. My heart is often times a mess, but God is not done working on me. And I know He isn't done working on your heart either. He is truly in the business of redeeming lives and changing hearts to be more full and complete and aligned with the heart of the Father.

Oh sweet Jesus THANK YOU FOR COMING. Thank you for giving up your throne in heaven to experience life on this earth as a man. You lived the life I cannot live. You died the death that my sin deserves. You rose and conquered sin and death...and now you live on the throne again. I long for the day when you return or call me home to be with you Jesus. In the meantime I am overwhelmed by your extravagant grace in my life. Nothing evidences that like Christmas does. Please help me to have a heart of gratitude that realizes and appreciates the gift of Christmas each and every day. Christmas days come and go, tomorrow will be here before I know it. And yet, you are with me always and will never leave or forsake me Lord. Thank you for loving me - a broken messy woman who tries to earn your grace. Please help me to realize more and more in this coming year that you long for me to just surrender my life to you...and that all of my striving will not make you love me any more or less.

I am SO UNWORTHY Lord - but I am SO VERY THANKFUL!

Tis the Season

This post has been sitting in my "drafts" since Thanksgiving weekend! Better late than never I suppose 😉!

Yesterday we woke up to snow! 

Today I wake up to our gorgeous Christmas tree!

So thankful!!!

10 on 10 :: November 2014

Pumpkins Galore!

This year we had the treat of going to the pumpkin patch with my family from Montana. It's my dad's brother Rick, his wife Val and their adorable daughter Emma!  Our friends from church (the Daker family) came as well, with their two daughters!

These pictures speak for themselves. I think it's pretty clear we had a wonderful time at the pumpkin patch this year!

Family Photo Op ;)

My mom and grandma!

Cousin Emma and Harry! So cute!!!

Cheese...also photobomb by Josh :)

So dorky! :)

Uncle Rick, Grandma, Mom, Dad + Me

I made Emma pose for this one.

The bubble station is always Harry's favorite!

Going for a ride!

Trying to be a big boy helping cousin Emma out!

Grandma, Me, Mom + Aunt Valerie

Checking out the bunnies with his Grandma!

He was a little nervous about the goat, lol!

These pics made me want to get a kitten. SO STINKIN' CUTE!

This is the best family photo we got that day. 

Josh looks handsome, Harry looks silly...and I just look weird

"Is this a good one mom?"

Also...he apparently didn't like getting his hands dirty.

This one cracks me up! Harry was trying to show off I think...and Carlee

Carlee, Harry + Emma

This may be my favorite! I'm honestly shocked that Harry wasn't picking his nose too ;)

Grandma + Harry were working hard to get our pumpkins up to the check-out stand.

It took many tries to get a "good" picture of Harry at the measuring stick. But I was bound and determined to get a picture from this year to compare with last year's picture!!!

I am totally that mom!

This was the "best" I could manage...

But totally worth seeing how much he's grown in the last year! INCREDIBLE!!!