The Gift of Waiting

Before Ellis arrived, I started this blog post...but never finished it.

My goal is to get his birth story all typed up and posted in the next few days, but before I can mentally go there, I want to finish this post. 

Here goes:

The way my maternity leave worked this time around, I was able to be home for my spring break plus another week before my scheduled c-section.

It was such a gift to be able to take time off beforehand because with Harry I worked up until the day he was born.

So here we are, waiting. I'm mostly hanging out with Harry while Josh works, but we also plan on having plenty of time just the three of us before brother makes us a family of four.

I'm so thankful for a pause to wait. A break from my normal routine of teaching and mothering...to just enjoy my firstborn. Time to wait and rest (and nest). I know that once Ellis arrives, life will never be the same, and it's a change that we've longed for, for a long time now. All of this is so good and I am so thankful...and yet I find myself holding tightly to these days before. Wanting to savor and cherish them because I know that I'll never get them back.

And because I haven't posted much of his nursery on the blog (mainly because we just got it put together in the past few days ;) here are some pics of how we've personalized the nursery to be Ellis' new room.

This is how I initially "styled" his shelves and the wall above his crib:

And here are some updates I made...

We received this adorable little garland (after he was born) from my cousin Catherine...and I LOVE how it adds to the wall above his changing table. We will enjoy it every time I change his diaper! 

Here is the initial wall above his crib...

And here it is now :)

Feeling Reflective

I opened up a journal I've been writing in for over a year now, and just realized that I only have a few pages left. It seems fitting that this journal is coming to a close as I am in the midst of making a huge transition in my life.

.    .    .

I looked back at my first few entries and was struck by these words from February 8, 2015:

Lyrics from "Finally Free" by Rend Collective

"Your mercy rains from heaven 
like confetti at a wedding
and I am celebrating in the downpour.
Your heart is wild with color
like a never-ending summer.
You burn away the winter
of my cold and weary heart.

My soul cries out
Holy
Holy.
My heart is lost
in your beauty.
All hope is found
in Your Mercy.
You paid the price.
Now I am...FINALLY FREE!"

This morning I am overwhelmed by Your grace and mercy God. I am overwhelmed by Your beauty and the way You have used every circumstance in my life to change me and make me more like you. 

Every painful trial has actually been a blessing.

Each pregnancy has truly been a gift. With Harry you taught me to let go and trust. With baby number two you taught me that You are enough - that You truly never leave or forsake me...and you've given me a desire for heaven that I've never had before!

And today I rest in Your peace as our third baby is growing in my belly. I am choosing to trust you in the unknown. I am believing and hoping for a miracle. I am also choosing to believe that you are Good, regardless of the outcome.

Lord, You give. You take away.

Blessed by the name of the Lord.

.    .    .

Over a year later, I can honestly say that God is truly Good and that His beauty and mercy have carried me through the ups and downs of our journey to bring another baby into our family.

A few weeks after writing this journal entry, I lost our third baby. It was devastating. But God has faithfully walked alongside me. He slowly healed my broken heart as I trained for the half marathon I ran last June...literally speaking to my heart through songs like the one I shared above as I ran, and ran, and cried, and ran some more.

And here I am, just a couple of weeks away from meeting Ellis. Our fourth baby...but the second one we will be blessed to raise. I still don't know for sure that he'll be healthy, although I'm praying and trusting that he will. I don't have a guarantee that anything in this life will go according to my plan. Most likely, it won't. But I serve a God who is faithful and altogether Good. He has allowed me to experience suffering that certainly changed me...but I am so thankful for it. Through the loss of two babies I came to see my need for Christ more than ever before. And I cherish the gift of motherhood in a different way than I would have if it had all gone according to my plan.

There are still days when I wonder about those babies. When I shed tears and long to hold them in my arms. When I ask God to hasten the day when I will get to meet them in heaven. And yet, I know that without their lives and deaths, we probably wouldn't be sitting here anticipating the arrival of Ellis, a little boy that I am sure will stretch our hearts to the point where they nearly burst. A baby boy I have loved fiercely through this pregnancy and cannot wait to meet later this month. Ellis doesn't replace the others. They were gifts in their own ways. And now I sit here, crying, smiling, thanking God for the season He has brought us into!

It's funny how much has happened since I wrote that journal entry last February. And yet, I can say that I feel the same way:

Lord, today I rest in Your peace as Ellis is growing in my belly. I am choosing to trust you in the unknown. I am believing and hoping for a miracle. I am also choosing to believe that you are Good, regardless of the outcome.

You have been faithful time and time again in my life. Thank you in advance for all that this month will hold for our family Lord. Bring Ellis safely into our arms. Prepare our hearts to love him and care for him as we adjust to being a family of four, instead of three.

Thank You for the blessings that have come out of our suffering! The freedom I have found in walking through life with You Lord is such a great honor and a gift that I am eternally grateful for!

Life Lately

It's been a while since I posted. Life has been full, beautiful, hard...all at the same time. It's funny how much joy we can experience in the midst of sorrow. There are many days that involve laughter, and so much thankfulness that my heart literally feels like it will burst. And there are many days that involve tears and prayers that are too raw to put into words.

But even in the pain. Even in the darkest moments, His sweet mercy is always here. Reminding me that suffering allows for growth that I may not otherwise experience. No matter how sad my heart may feel in a given moment, there is always a new morning on the horizon. New mercies awaiting as sure as the dawn. 

So here are a smattering of photos I've taken in the past month or so (most from this weekend). Moments that I can't help but cherish and thank my sweet Savior for blessing me with. This life I am living is a gift. And I am especially aware at this time of year with Easter starting in just a few short hours. My Savior lives. The empty tomb means that I don't have to live in despair. Jesus is my Hope and He is alive. So I can live. Even when I don't understand the "why", I know that my Redeemer is trustworthy and good, and that I can find my joy and purpose in Him. 

He is Risen. He is Risen INDEED!

And last but not least - to everyone who has loved me/us through the losses we have experienced this school year I am so thankful! I really don't have words to express how much every card, every text, every hug, every encouragement here on my blog and on Instagram, every prayer has meant. So thank you friends and family! I am thankful to be able to share my heart here and know that those who read it care so much for me and for my family. For Josh and Harry and both of our babies who live in heaven. 

Man, those babies must be having the most incredible Easter weekend celebrating Jesus' work on the cross in His very presence. We will be there one day with them. Such a glorious hope!