7 // CLOTHES // Day 7

Remember when I read Jen Hatmaker's book: "Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess". And I was all fired up to fast throughout 2015. I did a media fast in January and it was AWESOME. Then February hit and I lost another baby. Grief took it's toll and then I decided to train for a run  ½ marathon instead. 

So here I am, (a little more than) halfway through the year and finally getting back to it. And it wasn't even really my idea. I was honestly okay with just putting the whole "Seven" concept on the back burner, but my friend Karla asked if I'd join her in only wearing 7 articles of clothing this month.

No makeup (though I did wear a little mascara to church on Sunday). No jewelry (except I did decide to keep wearing my wedding ring...maybe I shouldn't have...but I did). And aside from underwear, one set of pjs, and workout clothes I've been sticking to it.

1 dress

1 cardigan

2 pairs of shorts

3 tank tops

BAM!

And actually, it's way easier than I thought it'd be. I'm realizing that I think other people care way more about my appearance than they really do. I haven't mentioned it to Josh and he hasn't even noticed that I've been wearing the same items for the past week.

I think the no makeup piece is honestly the hardest for me. I really don't like my face without makeup. And aside from a few conversations with close friends, I've been trying not to mention it. I think it's good for me to become more comfortable in my own skin, without the need to explain to people why I'm not wearing any make-up. 

So here's a few pics from this round of 7 so far.

Not sure why my hand is on my stomach like that. No, I'm not pregnant. And photo credit goes to Harry. He's getting pretty good at taking pics with my phone.

My pjs have barely been worn because its SO HOT in the PNW this summer. But first thing in the morning I've been enjoying my coffee and journal in my pjs.

These jean shorts and I have become well acquainted ;) Also, yummy Fourth of July treat!

Here's one of my limited ensemble choices. Like I said...these shorts have become bff's.

I'll post more in a week or so when I'm farther along on this whole journey. Thanks Karla for encouraging me to give it a go with you. It helps knowing you're doing it too!

...Up Next

2 0 1 5    Y E A R    M A P

Month One:  M E D I A

Month Two:  P O S S E S S I O N S

Month Three:  F O O D

Month Four:  W A S T E

Month Five:  C L O T H E S

Month Six:  S P E N D I N G

Month Seven:  S T R E S S

.    .    .

M O N T H    T W O   -   P O S E S S E S S I O N S

Josh and I are taking a vacation in EIGHT days.

Whew.

We seriously cannot wait.

This is our first vacation without Harry. We've left him overnight a couple of times, but never for a full-blown vacation. I know we'll miss him like crazy...but we really need this. After losing the baby this fall it's been a tough go. While I'm doing so much better mentally and emotionally, the loss really took a toll and life just hasn't slowed down. With work, the holidays, and Josh moving into a new detective position, we've found that our time together is limited and usually reserved for our most tired moments. Quality time just the two of us is practically a miracle.

So I figured it'd be best to start "month two" when we return. I should also probably reread this section of  Jen Hatmaker's book "7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess" before I launch in.

Maybe that'll be some of my vacation reading.

I'm actually JAZZED to be getting rid of possessions!

I've got a pile of clothing that I've already prepared to give away, but I anticipate that this will only be the tip of the iceberg. Coming out of a season of lots of giving/receiving, I'm excited to scour our belongings and find meaningful ways to give our stuff to people who need it much more than we do.

I just read this convicting portion of Mark today at church. When a rich man came to Jesus and asked what he must do to inherit eternal life, this was Jesus' response:

"And Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, 'You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come follow me.' Disheartened by the saying, he [the man] went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions."  Mark 10:21-22 ESV

Oh, how I want to respond differently than this man. What a shame that he walked away. How sad that he turned from Jesus and chose his possessions over the only One who can bring us freedom, peace, and salvation.

I want to choose Jesus over my possessions. And I think that God has a lot to teach me in this area.

So when we return from vacation, I'll be back here to blog about this next area of fasting.

 Lord please humble me and show me how You long for me to change in this area of my life!

MEDIA :: Reflections

Well it's clearly February. I thought it might be a good idea to sit down and reflect a little on my blog about how the Media Fast went and what I learned.

Surprisingly, a month without media went pretty quickly. I missed TV the most at first, but now that I made it through the first month I hardly think about watching it. The only show I've watched in the past week was Parenthood. I missed the last four episodes of the series (as they aired during my fast) and since I've followed the whole series and loved all of the characters, I enjoyed seeing how they wrapped up the show. There were many tears as I said goodbye the the Braverman family; I'm not ashamed to admit it. I may go back and watch the final episode one more time. It was just so good!

Aside from Parenthood though, I have had no desire to watch TV. Netflix has remained untouched, and I still find myself listening to music or reading books which is a quieter and more fulfilling change.

On the other hand, I have been happily indulging in Instagram. It was the first thing I did on February 1st was redownload Instagram. And I don't regret getting back on. I did "unfollow" quite a few accounts that I used to follow. Not because they're not inspiring people (many Christian authors, and women who run businesses and/or fabulous blogs), but I find that with too many accounts to keep up with I was checking Instagram too frequently, or breezing through trying to "catch up" but rarely able to take the time to actually look at the photos in my feed.

With less photos to peruse, and less of a "pull" to my phone now that I broke my habit of constantly checking it...it feels good to be back on. I like seeing a few inspiring photos, and little peeks into the daily lives of my friends and family.

I took a month off. It was nice to have a breather, and now I can come back with a fresh perspective and a mind that's not compulsively opening the app whenever I grab my phone.

Overall, the fast slowed me down. It reminded me that I don't have to be "plugged in" to my technology all the time in order for my life to be meaningful. God spoke to me in various ways, and reminded me of the importance of relationship maintenance. The kind that takes intentionality and face-to-face quality time. Some positive changes have resulted and I'm looking forward to becoming a better friend in 2015.

I feel the beginning of a change that God has been working on in my heart. It's starting to take shape and so far it looks like a more "present" version of myself.

As I keep journeying through this year, I'm excited to see what God continues to do. He's nudging me to change. And He's equipping me to...with a tender and gentle grace that says "I am with you" and "I will never leave you" in the process.

Now I better go check back on my first blog to see what I had planned to fast from next. I wrote it in a blog post, but should probably write it out on paper ;) lol!

MEDIA :: Day 27

This post keeps getting renamed.

It was supposed to be posted on Day 25...then Day 26. Here I am two days after starting it and I'm still struggling to put my thoughts into words worth sharing, but here goes:

Even though media isn't consuming my time...it's still easy to waste time. So while I'd love to say every moment has become more meaningful without media vying for my attention...it's not entirely true.

However, I do think that after almost a month of not turning on Netflix, I've dropped the habit of automatically watching an episode of my latest TV show binge when I'm doing chores around the house. And when I go to my phone, there really isn't much to do besides take a photo of Harry or check the weather.

The change in my heart has been subtle. Less noise, more quiet time to think. Less visual distraction, more time to pay attention to things that need attending to around the house, and most importantly the people who need attending to. I've been able to catch little moments of Harry playing in the background while I'm doing dishes that I may have missed before because I was more distracted.

I don't know if it's because I'm not as plugged into technology or because he's entering a new stage, but Harry has been asking us to play more with him. I'm not naturally good at playing boy things...but I've been enjoying a little more time flying planes around the family room, driving trains across elaborate tracks, and pretending to be every kind of animal Harry can imagine.

I guess the other thing that I've realized that feels kind of good - I don't have to document every sweet moment of motherhood online for it to have happened. I still take pictures, and in all honesty I am really looking forward to getting back onto Instagram. But I'm okay with the fact that this month we were able to step back and just be. It hasn't been a perfect month. My life is not magazine-worthy...and I'm totally okay with that. And just because there is nothing on my Instagram feed to show for it, doesn't mean that this month wasn't full, or that these memories somehow don't matter as much.

The one thing I'm certain of:

I'm still a mess of a person. I try my hardest, most of the time, and even so I fail time and again. I let people down. I have so much room for growth. My natural tendency is to be selfish. I need Jesus.

Thankfully He isn't finished with me yet.

I'm really hoping that this year He purges my heart in a major way. Getting rid of the old and making room for the new that I didn't even realize I so desperately needed. I feel like He is already stirring my heart up in ways that I've never experienced before. Yet I don't really know what it all means. I just know that He is faithful to keep working on me.

Eager Waiting

I can't stop reading this verse. 

Jesus, what should "eager waiting" look like in my life?

MEDIA :: Day 11 :: Discovering Simplicity

I'm pretty sure that I am not alone in my desire for simplicity in my life. More does not always mean better. In fact the more things on my schedule, the more items in my home, the more emails in my inbox...the more stressed I feel.

As I mentioned a few days ago, I've been reading some good books. With several more on my list of books I'm dying to get my hands on. Stat.

The one that I've been engrossed in this past week has been One Thousand Gifts. No joke, I've literally highlighted ten passages and I've only made it to Chapter 4. I'm so challenged, inspired, and encouraged by this incredible book.

These are the sections just from Chapter 3 that make me smile and tear up at the same time:

"Because how else do we accept His free gift of salvation if not with thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives. Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our Yes! to His grace" (p. 39).

 "But in this counting gifts, to one thousand, more, I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life. A lifetime of sermons on "thanks in all things" and the shelves sagging with books on these things and I testify: life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with over very specific nail at a time" (p. 57).

"I know there is poor and hideous suffering, and I've seen the hungry and the guns that go to war. I have lived pain, and my life can tell: I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild roses in early July and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good God gives. Why would the world need more anger, more outrage? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the hear and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and ry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for the world? For us?" (p. 58). 

"...life change comes when we receive life with thanks and ask or nothing to change" (p. 61).

 .    .    .

I am learning, or at least beginning to learn, that a simpler life does not come just from removing distractions and excess. But from tuning my eyes to pay attention to the small details that are truly gifts from God. And rather than just seeing them, turning my heart toward my Savior to say "Thank you Jesus" for this good gift.

I've been keeping a journal for a while now. I'd heard of this book, but never read it. Now that I'm reading it...I am on a hunt to find moments that I can record, to whisper praise to God. I think I may have found a key to a simpler life.

"I will GIVE THANKS to the Lord with my WHOLE HEART;
I will  recount all of your WONDERFUL deeds."

Psalm 9:1 ESV

Here are a few from my "One Thousand Gifts" journal:

21. Hearing Harry says "love you" for the first time (9-17-13)

51. Fall sunshine and crisp air (Oct. 2013)

77. Carving a pumkin with Harry. He is not into getting messy with the guts - one finger touch (Oct. 2013)

231. Josh changing the light bulbs (Mar. 2014)

322. Quiet Saturday morning with coffee, Christmas music, my advent journal from SRT and Harry playing in the background (Dec. 2014)

353. Candlelight flickering while I write; it's dancing on the walls (Jan. 2015)

MEDIA :: Day 8/9

I'm pretty sure Scandal (TV Show that I'm clearly addicted to) started back up last night.

Instead, I read a book in bed before I fell asleep.

And then I dreamt about Instagram. Literally my dream was scrolling through the photo stream. For what felt like most of the night.

.    .    .

Josh was asking me what I really meant by media last night. 

Here's what the dictionary says:

media: (usually used with a plural verb) the means of communication, as radio television, newspapers, and magazines, that reach or influence people widely.

I think for the purposes of my fast...media to me means "technology that I am spending way too much time on". The three biggest culprits were Netflix, TV, and Instagram. Other contenders: Words with Friends, email (incessantly checking it, even when nothing new or interesting was in my inbox), Brit & Co (like pinterest, but the content is contributed by writers...kind of like a magazine-app)...to name a few.

So cutting all of these out, and taking all of my notifications off of my phone has freed me up some of that wasted time. I still mindlessly reach for my phone to distract or entertain myself. But there's not much to do there this month.

So instead, I've been spending more time reading books with Harry. And I've clearly been reading more for myself at night before bed.

Thank you "Media Fast" for helping me to quiet my mental space down.

In the quiet I am learning new things about myself and about God, which was the reason why I wanted to do this in the first place.

But it's not really the lack of media I should thank. It's truly Jesus, awakening in my a new way of living. A less-connected to technology and hopefully (in time) more connected to people and things that are life-giving. Not just to me, but to the people around me...

...so many thoughts but for now I'll leave it at that.

MEDIA :: Day 6 :: I NEED Jesus More Than I Know

Truth slap.

When the truth opens your eyes. When you realize something that, once realized, is so important that you literally feel like you've just been slapped across the face.

It often comes when you're least expecting it. 

It is impossible to ignore.

Today I experienced a truth slap. It brought me to tears and all I could say was "Jesus, I desperately need your grace."

I am thankful for a friend who was brave enough, and loving enough, to call me out and say "hey, you've hurt me and I want more from our friendship". 

...and I'm oh so thankful for Jesus who makes forgiveness and repentance possible. 

In His strength I can try again. 

In light of His great mercy I can say I'm sorry, and move forward in a different way. 

I can tend to a broken relationship that is founded on the name of Jesus Christ. Because He died for this. He died to make me whole, and promised not to let me go until His work in my heart and life was complete.

This truth slap would have hit regardless of whether I'm consuming media or not. But rather than drown my self-disappointment in a TV show tonight, I shed some tears, prayed to my gracious Savior, and am currently sitting in the quiet just before bed reflecting here.

Truth slaps hurt. But once you get over the sting, there is work to be done. A lesson that clearly needs to penetrate my heart. And most importantly there is grace, upon grace, upon grace...upon grace.

Thank you Jesus for true friends. For the Truth which really does SET US FREE. For New Years, and new beginnings, and for a quiet evening to let today sink in and begin to change my heart.

I want to be more like you Jesus. Even (and especially) when it hurts my pride. Thank you for forgiving me Lord, especially when I don't deserve it (because I never do), and for sticking with me for the long haul as you continue to change my heart and make my life look more like yours.

...clearly, we've got a long way to go!

And just because...here's my funny (almost) three year old: Harry McBubble-Beard. If I ever doubted God's love for me, I certainly can't doubt it when I look at this sweet blessing. He wears me out, but he brings me joy beyond measure.

MEDIA :: Day 2

I hate talking on the phone.

But I have had what feels like a novel idea.

Maybe, if I want to connect with people, I should just pick up my phone and give them a call?!

Hmmmm...probably not at 7:00am, but this month I may just have to start calling people again. 

What is my grandma's rule? 

I think phone calls are acceptable between the hours of 9:00am and 8:00pm. 

I'll have to give her a call to find out.

MEDIA :: Day 1

Does "iTunes Radio" count?

It probably does. If so, I've failed twice already, on Day 1. And it's only 7:40am.

My first thought this morning was "UGH! All I want to do is see everyone's NYE pics on Instagram! Grrrrr....."

Upon getting out of bed, I checked my email on my phone, twice.

To say this is going to be a challenge is an UNDERSTATEMENT!

I'm currently sitting at my computer blogging because at least it's something right?! And I'm listening to iTunes Radio, but it's awesome Christian worship music. I think I'm going to allow it. At least for today! ;)

Other thoughts I've had this morning:

• I want to watch a movie while I take down our Christmas decorations.
• I would love to vox (an app that allows you to chat like on a walkie-talkie) with my friends to say hello and ramble about random things while I do my dishes.
• How am I going to document my life if not on Instagram?!?!
• Email once a day? Ugh. I better change my notifications so that I don't get any...and I better move my email app into my "utilities" folder with all the other apps I couldn't bear to delete.

I have a problem.

Clearly. 

Just for accountability's sake, here are screen shots of my iPad and iPhone. The basics are on screen one, the rest is on screen two. And while this may look like a lot of apps. I must have deleted at least 30 apps on each device.

This is what progress looks like, today at least.

Baby. Steps.

Have I learned anything yet from this experience, you might ask. No. Not yet. Aside from the fact that I have issues with being quiet?! I am disturbed by how much I crave noise. I want to fill the void with something, anything: pictures, entertainment, movies...you name it.

So off I go. Music will likely accompany me throughout this entire day. But as for the rest? It's tucked away, just out of reach. 

And just in case you're really worried about missing me. Have no fear. I will be blogging a heck of a lot more than I have in the past couple of years. I need some outlet. And blogging is on the list (thank you Jesus for blogging). I'll post my reflections, and I'll likely post pictures of Harry...because I have a compulsive need to share pictures of my child on the internet. 

As much as I joke about how hard this will be (and I know it will be), there is a part of me that is thrilled with this change. 

It feels like an adventure.

Saying that out loud makes me think I may need to get out more ;) 

Happy New Year! 

I May be Crazy, but Here Goes...

We started going to a new church in September. The idea was planted before we lost the baby, but when we actually took the plunge our baby was gone, making it a sweet and painful time to uproot and start fresh in a new community.

God clearly knew what He was doing. Doesn't He always?! You'd think after following Jesus for over a decade I would have learned by now that He, the Creator and Maker of the universe (not to mention my heart), would know what He was doing. 

Anyway, it was scary and a tad bit overwhelming. I have a hard time going in halfway. When it comes to community I tend to open up and bear my soul (which often involves tears), I wish I could hold back, but for some reason this is how God has created my messy heart. Literally on my sleeve. I've been told by others who have been witness to my tears and vulnerability in the context of community, that it's refreshing and frees them up to be vulnerable as well. I have also spent many years believing that I am too much. Too emotional. Too overwhelming for other people to handle. The darn devil literally wants to turn what God clearly intended for good into something I feel ashamed of.

Thankfully the Holy Spirit's voice is stronger. It may be softer...but it is certainly more powerful than the lies that so easily entangle.

I'm not in any way "there" yet, but I am learning to listen to the voice of the Lord, and nothing else. At least that's what my desire is. I am praying that 2015 changes my heart to be more in tune with my Maker.

Back to our new church, and the new study I began in the Fall.

As a small group we read the book "Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker, and it literally: ROCKED. My. World.

I'm still reeling from it. I am not kidding. This book stirred up in me a desire for a different kind of life. A different kind of faith. One that looks nothing like the faith life I have known up until this point. But with this heart-shift comes a lot of questions. Practically speaking, how does this play out in my day-to-day life? If I knew the answer, I would be happy to share it here...but I am still trying to wrestle with it all.

I wasn't ready to set Jen's ideas on the shelf, so I decided to read another one of her books. She is one of the most honest, witty, encouraging, and challenging authors I have ever read.

Enter "7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess". Also by Jen Hatmaker. Seriously, if you do one thing this week, go buy this book. Or check it out from the library. I've checked it out at least twice three times from the public library digital collection (sorry Jen, I'm cheap) ;) but seriously I keep reading and re-reading it.

Thank you Karla for recommending this book to me (oh, a year or two ago). I finally gathered enough courage to actually read it...and I am SO THANKFUL that I did!

So...after reading through Jen's journey, I've decided that it's time to embark on my own journey. I am excited and terrified at the same time. But I am pretty much certain that if I take a step GIANT leap of faith, Jesus is going to change my heart and life, to the degree that at the end of 2015 I will not be the same woman that I am today.

Here is my plan.

I am going to be fasting throughout the next year.

One month at a time.

One area of my life at a time.

I will fail many times I am sure. And I will also be covered in grace.

And that's pretty much all I know at this point.

I have a plan for the first month, and I have a "map" for the year as a whole, but beyond that I am going to figure it out one step at a time.

I may be crazy, literally, but I need to do something drastic to reset my habits, and jumpstart my heart. I want change desperately, and I know myself all too well (creature of habit that I am); unless I do something completely new and different I can already picture myself a year from now - pretty much the same person I am looking at in the mirror today.

So, here goes. 

Jesus, bring on 2015. I may not be ready, but I know You are!!!

.    .    .

2 0 1 5    Y E A R    M A P

Month One:  M E D I A

Month Two:  P O S S E S S I O N S

Month Three:  F O O D

Month Four:  W A S T E

Month Five:  C L O T H E S

Month Six:  S P E N D I N G

Month Seven:  S T R E S S

.    .    .

M O N T H    O N E   -   M E D I A

Lord help me. I think this may be the hardest for me, which is why it is most certainly up first in the line-up. For the next 30 days, I will be abstaining from media.

No TV (which includes TV watched online or on Netflix). No radio (unless it's classical music). No Instagram. No blog-reading. No phone games or random entertaining apps. Limited texting. Email only once per day. 

I am terrified. 

But I am also craving the quiet that will inevitably come along with this fast. Quiet to pray. To read God's Word. To read other books. To look into the eyes of the people I am with and live in the moment. To look around and behold the glory of God in the world around me.

Goodbye Media. 

I am sure I will miss you. 

But my hope is that I will gain so much more than I am missing.

[ more blogging to follow as I learn and grow over the next month ]