Life Lately

It's been a while since I posted. Life has been full, beautiful, hard...all at the same time. It's funny how much joy we can experience in the midst of sorrow. There are many days that involve laughter, and so much thankfulness that my heart literally feels like it will burst. And there are many days that involve tears and prayers that are too raw to put into words.

But even in the pain. Even in the darkest moments, His sweet mercy is always here. Reminding me that suffering allows for growth that I may not otherwise experience. No matter how sad my heart may feel in a given moment, there is always a new morning on the horizon. New mercies awaiting as sure as the dawn. 

So here are a smattering of photos I've taken in the past month or so (most from this weekend). Moments that I can't help but cherish and thank my sweet Savior for blessing me with. This life I am living is a gift. And I am especially aware at this time of year with Easter starting in just a few short hours. My Savior lives. The empty tomb means that I don't have to live in despair. Jesus is my Hope and He is alive. So I can live. Even when I don't understand the "why", I know that my Redeemer is trustworthy and good, and that I can find my joy and purpose in Him. 

He is Risen. He is Risen INDEED!

And last but not least - to everyone who has loved me/us through the losses we have experienced this school year I am so thankful! I really don't have words to express how much every card, every text, every hug, every encouragement here on my blog and on Instagram, every prayer has meant. So thank you friends and family! I am thankful to be able to share my heart here and know that those who read it care so much for me and for my family. For Josh and Harry and both of our babies who live in heaven. 

Man, those babies must be having the most incredible Easter weekend celebrating Jesus' work on the cross in His very presence. We will be there one day with them. Such a glorious hope! 

The Cost

Have you listened to Rend Collective?

If you answered no, please go look them up and listen to one of their songs. One of my favorites lately (from their Campfire album) is called the cost.

It wrecks me. But in such a good way.

I honestly cannot listen without weeping. But the tears are good. They bring healing and remind me that Jesus is truly worth it all. He is worth the pain and suffering. He is worth the trial and tears. He is worth leaving all of my desires behind and seeking only Him!

Seriously, go listen. Click the picture below to go to their site.

The Cost by Rend Collective

I'm saying yes to You and no to my desires
I'll leave myself behind and follow you

I'll walk the narrow road 'cause it leads me to you
I'll fall but grace will pick me up again

I've counted up the cost
Oh I've counted up the cost
Yes I've counted up the cost, and You are worth it

I do not need safety
As much as I need You
You're dangerous but Lord You're beautiful

I'll chase you through the pain
I'll carry my cross 'cause real love is not afraid to bleed

Jesus take my all
Take my everything
I've counted up the cost, and You're worth EVERYTHING!

Finding My Footing

I've been wanting to write for a while now. But I just haven't known where to start. I'm here...in the land of the living, and yet my heart is at times stuck in the grief of our loss.

In February, we lost another baby. Very similar to my last pregnancy. Somehow I thought that having been through it once before would make experiencing miscarriage less painful, but it didn't. I knew what to expect, but my heart still broke under the weight of it. 

Losing babies is heart wrenching.

One of the biggest things I've struggled with lately is crying out to God, "I don't want this to be my story!" I really don't want this to be my story. More than words can express...I want my babies. I would've been due in a couple of weeks with the baby we lost in September (and our most recent loss would have been born next September). It is hard to think about the very different place our lives would have been in if all had gone well. 

And yet, even in my darkest hour, I have a great Hope. 

His name is Jesus.

He is moving and working in my life and in the lives around me.

He is helping me to let go of the "control" that I never really had over my plans. And reminding me that even though this hurts, He loves me deeply. He bottles up all of my tears. He is SO NEAR to the broken-hearted. And though this body may fail me and this life be full of trials, the eternal promise of finally getting to see my Savior face-to-face and live in the glory of His presence, forever...well it is surely enough. He is MORE than enough!

I still long to have another baby, and at the same time I have decided to leave that dream alone for a while.

So now I am trying to just be. Trying to focus on every single undeserved blessing the Lord has given us. I am trying to give thanks rather than complain. I am getting down on the floor and playing trains with Harry. Hugging and kissing my husband more. Delighting in my family as it is. And trusting that God has a plan for our future.

I'm putting my "7 fast" on hold for a while, it's enough at this point to work and do family stuff. I just need some space to grieve and regroup. 

Oh and I'm running. 

As in, training for a half-marathon! (Insert wide-eyed-emoji) I'm not a runner. But I think I'm becoming one. Like tomorrow is a "rest day" in my training plan and I'm actually wishing it were a run day. I think I may have been abducted by aliens because the fact that I am longing for my next run day is crazy talk. Seriously CRAZY! 

As crazy as it sounds, I think running with such a big goal in mind is just what I need right now. 

So that's that. My first post, post-miscarriage...again. Thanks for reading and loving me through this! 

Our Greatest Gift

We've had some sunny days lately. Not just cold winter sunny...but the kind of sunny that makes you think that spring is just around the corner. 

And Harry happened to be wearing a cute new button down shirt (a style that he rarely lets me put on him), so I felt like it was the perfect time for a mini-photoshoot in the front yard.

I'm definitely no photographer. I have a nice camera and lens but there's still a lot that I need to learn to be able to take great photos. Especially when my favorite subject is a wiggly 3-year-old boy.

These may be not be as crisp as I'd like them to be, but his sweet little expressions were just too cute to keep to myself. He truly is our greatest gift!!!

Oh this funny boy. He cracks us up daily. You can follow his "quotes" on my twitter account (there should be a link at the top of my blog). Yesterday I told him he could be my gardener this summer (he was helping me pull a few weeds in the front yard). His response "Okay Mom, I be your garden man!" He brought it up several times later in the evening, so I'm hoping he was serious. I could use a lot of help in the yard work department this season. It's definitely not my forte, but with this cutie helping me, maybe I'll get better at it! ;)

So we leave tomorrow morning for our vacation without this handsome little man. I know it's going to be SO GOOD for our marriage. A whole week to just enjoy time together in a beautiful setting. It sounds like a dream. And I also know that we're going to miss Harry a LOT! But he's in very capable hands while we're gone and I know he'll have a blast hanging out with my parents...so it'll be a win-win for us all. Plus...the reunion when we get back will be extra sweet! I'm already looking forward to picking him up from school next Tuesday. We get in around noon so we'll be able to pick him up after his nap :) 

Well, I'm signing off for the next week. But you better believe I'll be back with pics from our trip when we get back!!!

Feels Like Spring

...Up Next

2 0 1 5    Y E A R    M A P

Month One:  M E D I A

Month Two:  P O S S E S S I O N S

Month Three:  F O O D

Month Four:  W A S T E

Month Five:  C L O T H E S

Month Six:  S P E N D I N G

Month Seven:  S T R E S S

.    .    .

M O N T H    T W O   -   P O S E S S E S S I O N S

Josh and I are taking a vacation in EIGHT days.

Whew.

We seriously cannot wait.

This is our first vacation without Harry. We've left him overnight a couple of times, but never for a full-blown vacation. I know we'll miss him like crazy...but we really need this. After losing the baby this fall it's been a tough go. While I'm doing so much better mentally and emotionally, the loss really took a toll and life just hasn't slowed down. With work, the holidays, and Josh moving into a new detective position, we've found that our time together is limited and usually reserved for our most tired moments. Quality time just the two of us is practically a miracle.

So I figured it'd be best to start "month two" when we return. I should also probably reread this section of  Jen Hatmaker's book "7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess" before I launch in.

Maybe that'll be some of my vacation reading.

I'm actually JAZZED to be getting rid of possessions!

I've got a pile of clothing that I've already prepared to give away, but I anticipate that this will only be the tip of the iceberg. Coming out of a season of lots of giving/receiving, I'm excited to scour our belongings and find meaningful ways to give our stuff to people who need it much more than we do.

I just read this convicting portion of Mark today at church. When a rich man came to Jesus and asked what he must do to inherit eternal life, this was Jesus' response:

"And Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, 'You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come follow me.' Disheartened by the saying, he [the man] went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions."  Mark 10:21-22 ESV

Oh, how I want to respond differently than this man. What a shame that he walked away. How sad that he turned from Jesus and chose his possessions over the only One who can bring us freedom, peace, and salvation.

I want to choose Jesus over my possessions. And I think that God has a lot to teach me in this area.

So when we return from vacation, I'll be back here to blog about this next area of fasting.

 Lord please humble me and show me how You long for me to change in this area of my life!

MEDIA :: Reflections

Well it's clearly February. I thought it might be a good idea to sit down and reflect a little on my blog about how the Media Fast went and what I learned.

Surprisingly, a month without media went pretty quickly. I missed TV the most at first, but now that I made it through the first month I hardly think about watching it. The only show I've watched in the past week was Parenthood. I missed the last four episodes of the series (as they aired during my fast) and since I've followed the whole series and loved all of the characters, I enjoyed seeing how they wrapped up the show. There were many tears as I said goodbye the the Braverman family; I'm not ashamed to admit it. I may go back and watch the final episode one more time. It was just so good!

Aside from Parenthood though, I have had no desire to watch TV. Netflix has remained untouched, and I still find myself listening to music or reading books which is a quieter and more fulfilling change.

On the other hand, I have been happily indulging in Instagram. It was the first thing I did on February 1st was redownload Instagram. And I don't regret getting back on. I did "unfollow" quite a few accounts that I used to follow. Not because they're not inspiring people (many Christian authors, and women who run businesses and/or fabulous blogs), but I find that with too many accounts to keep up with I was checking Instagram too frequently, or breezing through trying to "catch up" but rarely able to take the time to actually look at the photos in my feed.

With less photos to peruse, and less of a "pull" to my phone now that I broke my habit of constantly checking it...it feels good to be back on. I like seeing a few inspiring photos, and little peeks into the daily lives of my friends and family.

I took a month off. It was nice to have a breather, and now I can come back with a fresh perspective and a mind that's not compulsively opening the app whenever I grab my phone.

Overall, the fast slowed me down. It reminded me that I don't have to be "plugged in" to my technology all the time in order for my life to be meaningful. God spoke to me in various ways, and reminded me of the importance of relationship maintenance. The kind that takes intentionality and face-to-face quality time. Some positive changes have resulted and I'm looking forward to becoming a better friend in 2015.

I feel the beginning of a change that God has been working on in my heart. It's starting to take shape and so far it looks like a more "present" version of myself.

As I keep journeying through this year, I'm excited to see what God continues to do. He's nudging me to change. And He's equipping me to...with a tender and gentle grace that says "I am with you" and "I will never leave you" in the process.

Now I better go check back on my first blog to see what I had planned to fast from next. I wrote it in a blog post, but should probably write it out on paper ;) lol!