(Belated) Ode to Motherhood

This is my fourth one. 

My fourth Mother's Day?!?!

I was thinking it was my third...but first he was a baby, then 1, then 2, and now THREE. 

Oh, the blessing of this sweet boy who made me a Mama. 

Sure it's hard work. It's exhausting really, because it's more than a job. Being a Mom is all day, every day. It's interwoven into my identity.

Making me smile since 2012! :)

He is so sweet, and curious!

I'm pretty sure this little moment involved sound effects. As most moments with little boys do. I love the foot in the air and shovel pumped high!

He's our little t-ball player (who refuses to call it anything besides baseball). He loves how fast he is...and he has also sat out for most of a game for no other reason than because he was grumpy. But man is it cute to watch him playing a sport with his new little friends.

The Halfway Point

Halfway through Spring Break. Time, please slow down! 

Harry was pumped about his Easter basket goodies!

Awkward photo of Harry with a friend from church! 😂

Hunting for eggs was so fun this year! (ignore my weeds please 😉)

Holding hands. My brother's baptism was the highlight of our Easter! 

Sharing treats and laughs together at a coffee shop. 

Photo op with Gigi!

Josh's signature look! 

Letting Harry watch cartoons so I can steal extra snuggles. 

Tried taking a selfie with my post-nap snuggler, only to catch him picking 😂!

Children's museum fun. 

Harry's dream, driving a big rig (at the museum). 

Life Lately

It's been a while since I posted. Life has been full, beautiful, hard...all at the same time. It's funny how much joy we can experience in the midst of sorrow. There are many days that involve laughter, and so much thankfulness that my heart literally feels like it will burst. And there are many days that involve tears and prayers that are too raw to put into words.

But even in the pain. Even in the darkest moments, His sweet mercy is always here. Reminding me that suffering allows for growth that I may not otherwise experience. No matter how sad my heart may feel in a given moment, there is always a new morning on the horizon. New mercies awaiting as sure as the dawn. 

So here are a smattering of photos I've taken in the past month or so (most from this weekend). Moments that I can't help but cherish and thank my sweet Savior for blessing me with. This life I am living is a gift. And I am especially aware at this time of year with Easter starting in just a few short hours. My Savior lives. The empty tomb means that I don't have to live in despair. Jesus is my Hope and He is alive. So I can live. Even when I don't understand the "why", I know that my Redeemer is trustworthy and good, and that I can find my joy and purpose in Him. 

He is Risen. He is Risen INDEED!

And last but not least - to everyone who has loved me/us through the losses we have experienced this school year I am so thankful! I really don't have words to express how much every card, every text, every hug, every encouragement here on my blog and on Instagram, every prayer has meant. So thank you friends and family! I am thankful to be able to share my heart here and know that those who read it care so much for me and for my family. For Josh and Harry and both of our babies who live in heaven. 

Man, those babies must be having the most incredible Easter weekend celebrating Jesus' work on the cross in His very presence. We will be there one day with them. Such a glorious hope! 

The Cost

Have you listened to Rend Collective?

If you answered no, please go look them up and listen to one of their songs. One of my favorites lately (from their Campfire album) is called the cost.

It wrecks me. But in such a good way.

I honestly cannot listen without weeping. But the tears are good. They bring healing and remind me that Jesus is truly worth it all. He is worth the pain and suffering. He is worth the trial and tears. He is worth leaving all of my desires behind and seeking only Him!

Seriously, go listen. Click the picture below to go to their site.

The Cost by Rend Collective

I'm saying yes to You and no to my desires
I'll leave myself behind and follow you

I'll walk the narrow road 'cause it leads me to you
I'll fall but grace will pick me up again

I've counted up the cost
Oh I've counted up the cost
Yes I've counted up the cost, and You are worth it

I do not need safety
As much as I need You
You're dangerous but Lord You're beautiful

I'll chase you through the pain
I'll carry my cross 'cause real love is not afraid to bleed

Jesus take my all
Take my everything
I've counted up the cost, and You're worth EVERYTHING!

Finding My Footing

I've been wanting to write for a while now. But I just haven't known where to start. I'm here...in the land of the living, and yet my heart is at times stuck in the grief of our loss.

In February, we lost another baby. Very similar to my last pregnancy. Somehow I thought that having been through it once before would make experiencing miscarriage less painful, but it didn't. I knew what to expect, but my heart still broke under the weight of it. 

Losing babies is heart wrenching.

One of the biggest things I've struggled with lately is crying out to God, "I don't want this to be my story!" I really don't want this to be my story. More than words can express...I want my babies. I would've been due in a couple of weeks with the baby we lost in September (and our most recent loss would have been born next September). It is hard to think about the very different place our lives would have been in if all had gone well. 

And yet, even in my darkest hour, I have a great Hope. 

His name is Jesus.

He is moving and working in my life and in the lives around me.

He is helping me to let go of the "control" that I never really had over my plans. And reminding me that even though this hurts, He loves me deeply. He bottles up all of my tears. He is SO NEAR to the broken-hearted. And though this body may fail me and this life be full of trials, the eternal promise of finally getting to see my Savior face-to-face and live in the glory of His presence, forever...well it is surely enough. He is MORE than enough!

I still long to have another baby, and at the same time I have decided to leave that dream alone for a while.

So now I am trying to just be. Trying to focus on every single undeserved blessing the Lord has given us. I am trying to give thanks rather than complain. I am getting down on the floor and playing trains with Harry. Hugging and kissing my husband more. Delighting in my family as it is. And trusting that God has a plan for our future.

I'm putting my "7 fast" on hold for a while, it's enough at this point to work and do family stuff. I just need some space to grieve and regroup. 

Oh and I'm running. 

As in, training for a half-marathon! (Insert wide-eyed-emoji) I'm not a runner. But I think I'm becoming one. Like tomorrow is a "rest day" in my training plan and I'm actually wishing it were a run day. I think I may have been abducted by aliens because the fact that I am longing for my next run day is crazy talk. Seriously CRAZY! 

As crazy as it sounds, I think running with such a big goal in mind is just what I need right now. 

So that's that. My first post, post-miscarriage...again. Thanks for reading and loving me through this! 

Our Greatest Gift

We've had some sunny days lately. Not just cold winter sunny...but the kind of sunny that makes you think that spring is just around the corner. 

And Harry happened to be wearing a cute new button down shirt (a style that he rarely lets me put on him), so I felt like it was the perfect time for a mini-photoshoot in the front yard.

I'm definitely no photographer. I have a nice camera and lens but there's still a lot that I need to learn to be able to take great photos. Especially when my favorite subject is a wiggly 3-year-old boy.

These may be not be as crisp as I'd like them to be, but his sweet little expressions were just too cute to keep to myself. He truly is our greatest gift!!!

Oh this funny boy. He cracks us up daily. You can follow his "quotes" on my twitter account (there should be a link at the top of my blog). Yesterday I told him he could be my gardener this summer (he was helping me pull a few weeds in the front yard). His response "Okay Mom, I be your garden man!" He brought it up several times later in the evening, so I'm hoping he was serious. I could use a lot of help in the yard work department this season. It's definitely not my forte, but with this cutie helping me, maybe I'll get better at it! ;)

So we leave tomorrow morning for our vacation without this handsome little man. I know it's going to be SO GOOD for our marriage. A whole week to just enjoy time together in a beautiful setting. It sounds like a dream. And I also know that we're going to miss Harry a LOT! But he's in very capable hands while we're gone and I know he'll have a blast hanging out with my parents...so it'll be a win-win for us all. Plus...the reunion when we get back will be extra sweet! I'm already looking forward to picking him up from school next Tuesday. We get in around noon so we'll be able to pick him up after his nap :) 

Well, I'm signing off for the next week. But you better believe I'll be back with pics from our trip when we get back!!!

Feels Like Spring