Beauty for Ashes

When Harry was born I was overwhelmed that this "normal" thing - becoming a mom - was so monumental in my life. Just because so many women throughout history had done it, didn't mean that it wasn't a completely life altering experience for me in that moment.

And still, though I've been a mom for over two years, it can still surprise me just how much motherhood has changed me at my core.

This week I have had a similar experience, that I honestly don't even know how to put into words. 

I lost our second baby.

And while many women have unfortunately gone through miscarriage, it has taken my breath away and unleashed the deepest pain I have ever known. I feel as though my heart has been literally torn out of my chest and trampled on.

It just sucks.

I wish I had eloquent words to explain it, but I don't. I debated on whether I should share this here on my blog, but decided to go for it because a) anyone reading this is likely someone I know in real life, and if you care enough to check my sporadic (at best) blog, then maybe you'd care enough to know and b) it's my blog...and I just need to write it down. I need to get my thoughts out into words because life just keeps moving forward and I don't want to forget how much this baby means to me.

Oh how I wish this were a different announcement. In fact I was planning on writing my first post about our new addition this weekend. We had a really cute photo to share, and I would have been 12 weeks along today.  It all felt so light and hopeful...and now we are left in the dust with a thousand broken dreams.

I told Josh today, in one of the many tearful hug-sessions we have been having lately, that I just feel like there's a hole in our family that won't ever go away.

Truthfully I don't want this aching to go away because even though we never held this baby, and even though he or she only made it a little past conception (my body took a while to show signs of miscarriage) it was our baby. A little one who we couldn't wait for Harry to meet. Our child who would one day throw tantrums, and hold our hands to cross the street.

I know this is very raw, and I'm sorry if it is too much for you to read. Before experiencing this kind of loss first hand, I tried to sympathize with friends who were going through it, but I really had no idea what to say or do. There really isn't anything you can say to make the pain go away. It's something I have to walk through myself, but I know I am not alone. Words cannot express how much I appreciate all of the prayers that have been uttered on our behalf. And many friends and family members have reached out to let us know they care with kind words, food, flowers, etc.

I have spent the past four days resting, a LOT. It has been quiet and tearful, and just what I needed to get through these first few days.

My heart aches with so much more than this little post can say, but I think I will end with a section of Scripture that has been particularly comforting this week. It's been one of my favorite passages for a long time, but has come to be especially meaningful this week:

I S A I A H    6 1  :  1 - 3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,

for the Lord has anointed me

to bring good news to the poor.

He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted

and to proclaim that captives will be released

and prisoners will be freed.

that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,

and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.

he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,

a joyous blessing instead of mourning,

festive praise instead of despair.

In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks

that the Lord has planted for his own glory.




.    .    .


And because we are blessed with this sweet boy as a reminder of God's love and blessing in our life :) I had to add this picture of Harry enjoying an oreo with mommy this week.

SUMMER Wrap-Up

Oh Sweet Summer,

Why do you always have to leave just as quickly as you come? I swear it was just the beginning of July, and now it's already September. As sad as I am to see you go, I am so thankful for the MANY wonderful memories we made this year.

Quiet days at home...

Fun with family...

Meeting new friends...

So much to celebrate!

Leaving on a jet plane...

Pool adventures :)

FIRST TRIP TO DISNEYLAND!

One of the best moments of your life! Literally!

Cheesing it up...

Also, the best moment of your life! Meeting your FAVORITE characters!

Woody :)

Jesse :)

...and BUZZ!

Snacking :)

Lounging...

More snacking ;)

The OCEAN! And awesome family!

Splashing with more awesome family! :)

Exploring...

Heading home. Until next time California!

More friend time...

"Look it's a cat-a-pee-ah" :)

PRECIOUS!

Cruising...

Squirting (so mischievous)!

Biking...

Jumping!

Riding in the back of Daddy's truck! So fun!

Golfing...

Growing up (TOO FAST)!

Painting...

Being silly when we had a baby visiting one day :)

Treats on a hot summer day!

Climbing...

Swinging...

And so much more! I may have to post a PART II because this is already far too long!

Letter: 2.5 Years

Dear Harrison,

We just returned from a magical trip to California. I can't believe that you've already been down there three times in the past couple of years! It was a fabulous time filled with sunshine, family, ocean waves, splashing in the pool, and your VERY FIRST DISNEYLAND ADVENTURE!

You may not remember this trip, but we will never forget it! Plus we took plenty of photos and videos capture the sweet memories. I think your favorite moments were with some of your favorite characters. On day one (California Adventure), you met Jesse, Woody, Buzz, Mater, and Lightning McQueen (who you affectionately call "La-Queen")! It was probably the best day of your life! I'm not even exaggerating! Seeing your face light up when we walked onto the main road in Radiator Springs was such a highlight of the trip for me. It brought the movie Cars to life; we were all in AWE!

And then the next day in Disneyland you got to meet Tigger, Eeyore, Pooh, plus the one-and-only, Mickey Mouse!

You enjoyed many rides, the Pixar parade, fireworks, a water show...for two days we sure packed in a lot of fun!

Needless to say we were exhausted and ready to relax the rest of our time in California, which is exactly what we did. It was wonderful spending time with our family in Valencia and La Verne. You especially loved all of the puppies you befriended while we were visiting! (We miss you Weasley, Ollie and Missy!)

On a separate note, what can I say about this stage in your life? Probably more things than I could ever fit into one letter.

You are very energetic (running, jumping, making sound effects, etc.) but you can also focus on a task for what seems like an endless amount of time (laying on the floor playing with your cars, trucks, trains, planes...anything with wheels and/or an engine). You are sweet and tender, especially when someone is hurt. Most of the time you are quick to say you are sorry when you're in the wrong, but not always. This is something I'm trying to intentionally model for you, although I probably don't do it enough; I am thankful for God's grace in moments when I don't handle things well, which is often. Good thing we get a new day every 24-hours to try again!

You get tired and cranky and throw tantrums that result in time-outs. You've had a few spankings as well, but I'm glad that time-out seems to work well most of the time. You forget to say thank you at times, but you use your manners often. You look adorable with a fresh haircut, and your laugh practically stops my heart it is so sweet. You love to be tickled, protesting at first, but begging for more as soon as we stop. Just this past week you've taken an interest to the tricycle that's been sitting in the garage for a while, and though you haven't quite got the hang of it, you really enjoy trying!

There have certainly been moments that wear my patience so thin that come bedtime I'm just exhausted (like that one time several times that you took off your poopy diaper while napping, gross!). Motherhood is a messy job, and sometimes a very tiring job, but there is nothing I would rather give my life to than you.

Another big deal in regard to your life in the past few months is the surgery you had on your ears. You'd been getting awful ear infections, for months upon months. After consulting with two pediatricians and a specialist, we decided it was time for you to get tubes. It was honestly the BEST decision we have ever made (besides following Jesus, getting married and having you of course)! Before the tubes you struggled to sleep, coughed a lot, and could never seem to get over a cold. Now, you have only been sick once I think, and it was very minor. You sleep like a champ and seem so much more happy and healthy!

In a few weeks it'll be back to school for you and I. We will be getting up earlier (and likely going to bed earlier too). I know there'll be days when you just want to stay home, and trust me I will have those days too. But there will be plenty of days that you can't wait to get there, to see your friends and teachers, to play with the MANY fun toys they have, and to learn new things too. It will be a hard, but good change for us to get back into the routine of the school year, I know we will both learn a lot this year!

Until then, it's time to soak up the last bits of summer. To rest and play, enjoy the sunshine and splash around the backyard. To laugh, meet friends at the park, jump on the couch, eat fruit, take walks...I could go on and on.

As always I love you more than words can say. Thanks for stretching me as a mama and helping me to realize how much I need Jesus' grace every day. I love you and am so thankful that you're my boy!

Love always,

Mama

Beach Shenanigans

I know I've been MIA all summer. I guess we've just been having too much fun lately, and I haven't made it a priority to be in this space. 

I have plans to return soon, maybe even this week ;)

But for now I'll leave you with this little gif highlighting some fun we had at Laguna beach with family!

Hope you're enjoying this August day. It's "cold" and cloudy here for the first time in a LONG TIME, so I'm thoroughly enjoying a little break from the heat.